A guide for
parents
Practical
strategies:
GET THE FACTS.
In a gentle manner,
ask your child for details. Ask when the bullying happened, where it happened,
if he or she remembers exactly what was said and done, and in exactly what
order,
and if anyone else
(adult or child) was present.
It’s important not
to interrogate your child as if you don’t believe him/her; rather, ask your
child gently for
these details. If your child wants to know why you are asking (“Don’t you
believe me?”), explain that you can help him or her best by knowing exactly
what happened.
Where
did this happen?
Has
it happened before?
Is
it always the same?
When
did this happen?
What
happened first, then next, then after that?
Was
anyone else there?
Did
any kids or adults see this?
How
did they react?
Take the specific
data you get to your child’s teacher and the assistant principal or principal of
your school. It’s very important that you have, and give, specific details. The
more specific you can be about exactly what happened, where, when, any
witnesses, any previous occurrences, the better the school will be able to keep
the incident from recurring.
Although you can’t
insist on knowing a bully’s punishment, you can insist that your child’s school
offers your child comfort measures – no matter what the status of the incident.
Schools can comfort children by offering them the support of administration or
counselors, and letting the child know that they are there to talk or support
them anytime they need help or assurance.
Ask for a timeline
(“When will a decision be made?”), and ask what will be done immediately (“What
can you do to make sure Ashley isn’t threatened at her locker again tomorrow morning?”).
Finally, ask to be
kept informed (“I realize you need to discuss this situation with other personnel,
but please let me know what the outcome is so I can reassure Billy that
something is being done.”).
Important
note: Administrators cannot, by federal law, tell you about
disciplinary actions taken against another child – even when your child is a
victim. So don’t expect to know what disciplinary actions a bully is subject
to. Instead, focus on what adults will do to keep your child reassured and
safe.
Ask the school to
reassure your child that he or she will be protected. (“Please call Sarah out
of class today, and let her know that you’re aware of the situation and that
you won’t let it occur again.”)
Consider carefully
before demanding that the offending child apologize to your child. Most targets
of bullying do not want an adult-enforced apology from the bully, since it
underlines the fact that they have now told on him or her. Such an apology can
be frightening for a victim.
Keep in mind that
your primary goal should be to get the school’s cooperation to get the bullying
to stop. Knowing your own child is being victimized can evoke strong feelings,
but you’ll get much more cooperation from school personnel if you can stick to
the facts without becoming overly emotional. While you may want assurance that
everyone involved is punished severely, try to focus on putting an end to the
bullying!
Helping your
child cope
•Support your child
by telling him or her that this is not his fault, and that he or she did nothing
wrong.
•Gently emphasize
that above all, your child should not retaliate or attempt to fight or hit the
bully.
•Role-play ignoring
the bully or walking away.
•With your child,
make a list of the adults in school that he or she can go to for help, such as
counselors or
administrators.
•Give your child some
relief. Arrange for him or her to see friends on the weekends, and plan
fun activities with
the family. The more your child knows about bullying, the less he or she will
be blindsided by this event. Go online, and explore sites with your child.
Discuss them and become experts yourselves.
What you can do
to help your child
Many parents want to be better
prepared to respond when their child comes home and reports that they were
bullied at school. So what can a parent do to help resolve the situation?
Be prepared to work with your
child’s school.
Before jumping to the conclusion
that the staff and faculty at your child’s school are indifferent, uncaring or
hostile, give them a chance to help you resolve the situation.
NOT
“Josh is being bullied, and why
aren’t you appropriately supervising those children?”
BUT
“There’s a problem with Josh
being bullied that you may not be aware of. Let me tell you the details, and
let’s see if we can come up with a plan to address this.”
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